#154

I am only looking for Love.
The Love that used to exist.
I am only looking for that connection that used to be shared.
But now that connection is only one way.
When I look into her eyes, I feel the connection in my soul.
I feel.

I thought I knew who I was, but I was only playing the part.
I was what others needed me to be.
Not who I should be.
I was what she wanted me to be. Nothing else.
Without her, I am me.
I am me.

Once I had dreams, now only nightmares.
Once I felt love, now only pain.
Once happiness was within me, now I cry myself to sleep.
Once I felt needed, now I'm a crutch.
Once I wanted to live forever, now I want it to stop.
I want it stopped.

I'm no longer looking for Love, just understanding.
I don't expect life to return where it was.
I don't want it like it was.
Because now I am me.
I only need to know where I stand.
I need to know now.

No one can save me, I don't need saving.
I don't need your pity, I don't want your pity.
I write this because this is me.
No one can stop me, No one can help me.
This is who I am.
I'm who I want to be.

I stand in hell because I choose it.
I show a happy face to all because they need it.
I am Legion, for I am many.
I am alone, for I am only one.
I understand my needs, I understand my desires.
They no longer control me.

NASCAR Math

As the NASCAR season starts again, I felt it was important that I put in my two cents on the subject. One of the things I like most about NASCAR is naming of signature moves based on the driver it most exemplifies.

For instance, what had been known as the 'bump-n-run' will forever be known as 'the Earnhardt'.

When a driver really, really, really, really extends their fuel mileage, they are pulling a ‘Newman’.

Giving someone the finger is now called flipping someone ‘the Stewart’.

If you’re constantly finishing at least 1 lap down, that’s a ‘Wallace’ (or an Earnhardt Jr).

And last, but not least, if you are constantly changing the rules for no other reason then to piss people off, you're called ‘NASCAR’. I’m not saying any of this is true, fair or even just, that’s the way it is.

Besides drivers being linked to moves, drivers are also linked personality traits. For instance, being an ass is said to be like ... well that was a bad example, because that varies from race to race, but the term 'Young Guns' has been used to describe the drivers still in diapers ... ok, again, not the best thing to say – I meant the young teenagers, etc that are driving – not the 'Seasoned Veterans' (which may also be in diapers).

Then one day I sat down and started thinking (and boy are my arms tired), there is yet another thing that binds drivers together. Their numbers. Although you will find other drivers and other formulas to use, here is my favorite.

((Jimmy Johnson / Kyle Busch) * Tony Stewart) / Jeff Gordon = Dale Earnhardt Jr.

If you look at it from the math point of view you get: ((48/5) * 20) / 24 = 8

Ok, I know, now you are asking your self what this means (go ahead do it, ask yourself, I'll wait)... I don't know, but it looks cool.

That's the way I see it. Sorry you had to read it.

Additional: I was going to say that if you car is running long and hard all day, that’s called a ‘Johnson’, but I wasn’t sure anyone would think that was funny.

St. Valentine's Day Trinity

Back in 2003, I waxed historical about Valentine's Day. I researched its roots and celebrated the romance of the day. Love was ingrained in my soul. I was happy.

By 2005, my views on Valentine's Day had taken a turn for the worse. As love was being forcibly drained from my body I no longer saw anything positive about that day. I created an Anti-Valentine Day Checklist (buy T-shirts and mugs with the checklist in the store) and followed it to the letter.

So here I am in 2006 (and still using “so” to start sentences for some very strange reason) and I've fallen even deeper into the pit of resentment I hold for Valentine's Day. It makes me ill to think there are couples out there who share love and will use this day to by gifts, show there love, and have sex (I still like to believe that humans still do this). I see nothing positive about this day. To commemorate my momentous depression I have taken my Anti-Valentine's Day Checklist and put it on T-shirts (ash grey, black, yellow, green) and coffee mugs for your own enjoyment.

That's the way I see it, sorry you had to read it.