It's Only Me

I have visions of people I know and people I have never met
They show me things past and things to come
They answer my questions, even when I have not asked
They ask me questions I do not want to answer
Their answers puzzle me, sometimes confuse me
Some of them are lying, others are telling the truth
But since these are my visions, I am only talking to myself
And I don't like what I see, it scares me
I scare myself, but I fear others

Lather Rinse Repeat

I feel the beat of the drum deep within my soul
I hear screams of passion within my bedroom walls
I see darkness around me and inside me
I smell blood on my hands
I taste flesh

Happiness surrounds me
Shot to the head
Depression envelops me
Cut out my heart
Pain completes me
Slit my wrists

I am Legion
One is many
Many is one
All will suffer
All will die
None will survive

Intoxication
Survival

Birth
Life
Death

Naked

There is darkness in my light
There is pleasure in my pain
There is suffering in my happiness
There is fear in my soul

I fear the present
I fear the future
I fear myself
I fear her
I fear her

When I smile
I bleed
When I cry
I drown
When I get close
I push away
When I think
I die

What Day Is It?

Today, someone else's words come to mind:

"I want your pain
To taste why you're ashamed
And I know you're not just what you say to me
And I'm not the only moment you're made of
You're so sudden and sweet
All legs, knuckle, knees
Head's blown clean off
Your mouth's paid off
Fuck me 'til we know it's unsafe
And we'll paint
Over the evidence"

- Marilyn Manson

Dream a Little Dream

Dreams mean a lot. They signal what we are missing. Most events and objects in a dream are meaningless, but some show us who we are.

My most recent dream: Me, 2 girls, hot tub, everyone naked, and tater tot casserole. Hmmm.... tater tot casserole.

Yep, I'm hungry.

Flow

life is loosing its meaning
losing its taste
losing its texture
there are no reasons
no point
no glory
i am going through the motions
playing the part
an unwanted part
my needs are nothing
i am nothing
nothing but pain
they say that hell is not hot
and i know
that is where
i am
no need to shoot
i am already
dead

18 and Life to Go

Fuck

Serious? Funny? Whatever!

It has taken me quite a few years to figure myself out. And while I won't know everything about me until I finish my biography (and NO ONE wants to read that), I have uncovered clues to my worldly troubles.

I live on the double edge sword of being serious and funny.

There are some people who think I'm serious when I'm being funny. They don't get the joke; they don't understand the punchline; they don't get my humor. Their lack of understanding makes them believe I am serious and not joking. They take offense when they should be laughing. To these people I am an ass.

There are others who cannot take me seriously because I am funny. These people have seen me be serious, but no matter how hard they look, their short sightedness only see me as funny. To these people, I am a clown.

Then there is yet another group that continually flip flop. They fall under both categories and pick and choose at the worst possible times. When I speak to these people, I flip a coin – heads they will think I'm serious – tails, I'm funny. But I'm only allowed to flip the coin AFTER I speak. To these people, I'm an ass clown.

This explains most of my problems in life so far. It explains why I am where am I at right now. It explains why ... well, let's just say I understand.

So when I write, or speak, it all comes out the same. Am I serious? Am I funny? Fuck it, you'll never understand. To you, I'm just whatever.

Not Mine

Things get into my head. Pictures, sounds, people, places and emotions. I don't know where they come from. They jump in my head at random times and sometimes they won't go away. They are trying to tell me something, but I don't know what.

It is night, on the street outside a house in what seems to be an average neighborhood. I know some of the people on this street, but tonight something is very wrong. I'm on the street because I don't want to be inside. Something is wrong inside the houses. Especially the house that's half brick, half siding. I don't want to in there again. I'm afraid. It's very bad in there. I have to get away. I have to run. But I can't. I'm too young to be outside at night on my own. I don't know who to trust.

These are not my thoughts. These are not my feelings. They belong to M.

Ghost

I stood on the bridge, in the darkness as the fog rolled in. The dense fog shrouded me, encapsulated me, until I could only see shadows. Then I saw something, in the distance, in the fog. It was a dark spot, its shape was continually changing as it moved closer to me. I could not focus on the dark shape, as it would disappear each time I tried. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see it was there, coming closer, mutating as it moved. My heart pounded as as I watched it. The closer it got, the more I could see its shape. At 10 yards, it was finally clear - it was a bicycle, with a rider, a person, not the ghost I thought it was. She stopped and spoke, then rode off into the distance, into the fog, into the darkness. Maybe she was a ghost?

Leave Me Alone (but Don't Go Away)

I'm really sick and tired (and tired always follows sick) of "friends" giving me positive reinforcement to try to help me out of my soul crushing depression. So just to let everyone know and to set the facts straight:

Things are NEVER going to be all right.
Nothing will make me feel better.
Time will not heal all wounds.
I will not find happiness again.
I will not "hang in there".

And I will never, ever, as God as my witness, find someone else one day. I don't want to find anyone else. I never want to find someone else. I can't even imagine any circumstance in which emotional or physical contact with another human being would be good.

I've had a few friends who have said these things, but have prefaced it with, "I know you think I'm full of shit, but," or, "I know you don't believe me, but." These friends have been through this before and they understand. But I still don't believe any of them. They are full of shit.

Just leave me alone (but don't go away)

Life Interrupted

It wasn't that long ago when my life was going so well. I looked forward to each day. I looked even further into the future and was excited to see it unfold. I was comfortable with my place in the universe. I felt complete. I was ready to grow old (well, older).

But not anymore. My life has been shattered. I am in pieces.

I dread tomorrow, as well as the rest of this day. Each moment is filled with doubt, loneliness, and emotional pain. I fear my future, because it is now uncertain. I can no longer find my place in the universe. I'm terrified to grow old. I struggle to find a reason to keep going. I question what I have done with my life so far and question even more why I should continue.

I'm being devoured by the world around me.

But every one in while, even when I feel I can bear no more, there is a spark. A small jolt where I forget about my life, forget about the universe, forget about everything. And for that split second of time, only now exists with no thoughts of anything else, not even a thought of now.

I laugh, I cry, I sit and stare - but it is certain, my life has been interrupted.

There is no I in ME

Windows and Air
Desire and Trust
Escape and Life
Control and Torture
Fear and Sex
Love and Hate

The well is deep
At the bottom
Enveloped by darkness
A lone light shines
But brings no warmth
Forsaken by God

I need
I want
I do not
I cannot
I will not
I must

Dreams are torture
Nightmares bring peace
Life is unreal
Emotions are unclear
Terrified by touch
Disgusted by intimacy

False saviors
True demons
Fractured soul
Desperate times
No heroes
Wishful thinking

I cannot turn away
I cannot face it
It will destroy me
Love distracts from reality
Fear allows me to hide
Death will be my release

Ugly

I look into the mirror
all that I see
my reflection is obscene

I feel it inside
I am dirt
I am dirt

I hear it when I speak
What I say is...

Others see me as someone else
No one sees me

Not even me

My Future is Bleak

Everything is falling apart and it's my fault. My world is spinning out of control and I have nothing to hold on to. I see the future, and it is dark. I see the present and it is dark. I see the past and it is dark. Let's face it, everything I see turns to black. And we cry. I see the red door and I want to die. Small slivers of light strike me occasional, but they are quickly absorbed into the black, into my soul. Green tea. I feel afloat, alone, in the middle of an ocean of tears. It's dark. It's always dark now. If light does approach, it won't be long before it's dark again. Can't fight it. Can't deal with it. It's here. It's now. The future hold nothing but pain. I scream, and no one hears. Strawberry fields. I hide my true self from everyone around me, even me. I can't, I won't, I don't know, I am the ....

Love Really Does Hurt

I love her above all others.
My love for her is eternal.

I desire her beyond measure.
My desire for her is eternal.

I lust for no other but her.
My lust for her is eternal.

I have given my soul to her.
My soul is hers eternal.

She feels nothing for me.
She has left me.
But my Love, Desire, Lust and Soul still belong to her.

Only my death can release me.

I call Shotgun!

Do you know that feeling where you just want to sit in a dark room, alone, with shotgun and just think about life for a while?

If not, lucky you.

There is No Joy In Mudville

The Mighty Regis Jack has struck out.

---

“I love you so much, you must kill me know”

Work, Work, Work

Sorry I haven't been around to post anything lately. Seems my day job has forced me to cancel my life in so many ways, giving up the things that kept me somewhat sane. I'm trying to get it all back, but it's a battle. That's all I have time for. Unless you have the bullets I need.

Sorry, No Time, Everyone Switch Seats

I wish to apologize for my last blog entry. It was shoddy work, not very thought out - wait, that's normally what I post.

Actually, my problem is no time. No time for me, no time for anyone.

I'm waiting for a spark to get me started again.

Confusion

No one to talk to, or at least no one who will really listen.
No time, for me, but turns out I'm not that important.
No one likes me, which explains the lack of sex
Afraid of the new medication, it's side effect is emotional breakdowns.
Life without intimacy is death.

Cake and Sodomy

Sometimes I forget what life is all about. The answer is not 42. There is no master plan. There is only this.

Good Luck Britney

Hat's off to Craig Ferguson, host of TV's "Late Late Show", for taking a stance and not making fun of a celebrity when clearly she was in trouble.

Britney Spears, I wish you the best of luck and hope you find some peace. Look to your real friends for help, and don't give up.

I've been in your position before, we all have at one time - but for us, it's not broadcast on TV.

Good luck Britney, give me call sometime, we can talk.

Are We There Yet?

Hey, it ain't over 'till the – oh, it's over? OK. Sorry. Bye.

2006 - WTF?

As usual, there is no one willing to kiss me as we change to the new year, and as usual, RegisJack.com presents its 2006 year in review.

This year, Regis Jack ceased to be an individual and became the Regis Jack Experience – a non holy trinity that more accurately depicts the bizarre nature of my type of entertainment. It also allows each of them to express their views of 2006, in their own words.

Shane (the father)

• My world became Black, but not as in darkness, as in martial arts.

• My world became Gray, but not as in marital arts, as in my emotional state.

• Realized my place in the world (as insignificant as it is)

• I will use 2007 to keep myself in line and away from the rest of the trinity.

Jackson (the son)

• Attended Dragon*Con for the first time (and not the last time) where I whored myself, met some new friends, helped some friends (one of which I helped carry out of the bar), saw a few breasts (ok, it wasn't just a few) and even talked with a few “stars”.

• 2006 was a big year for my involvement in Heart of An Empire, where I worked as the spiritual adviser to the films director at Dragon*Con, and also got to work on the set during filming (a couple of times).

• Completed my Storm Trooper armor - with the extensive help of Matt – and became TK-2063 of the 501^st (I found it ironic to use a significant year in Star Trek lore to represent myself in the Star Wars universe).

• Also created “Renaissance Trooper” and did an appearance at the Renaissance Festival in Concord, NC.

• I will use 2007 to Troop, attend conventions and be the media whore I was born to be. Oh yes and to finish another book this year.

Regis (the holy spirit)

• I ranted at length about my pain, my vision, my dog (of which I never had one), and even manged to sneak in a little poetry.

• Saw Britney Spears upskirt photos. Those images will be burned in brain forever.

• I look forward to 2007 and whatever pussy it may bring.

Ok, there you have it. 2006 in the eyes of the members of the trinity. As for me (I am the Regis Jack Experience itself), I can't wait to see what comes up next.