Really, that long?

I can't believe it's been 7 months since my last post. Guess I've been too focused on my Podcast instead of the blog - I'll work on that in near future.

What Do You See?

Staring at the bare flesh of my forearm
The blade frees the blood trapped inside
Down the arm
Across the wrists
Feel the pain
Feel the pleasure
Feel the blood as it rushes from my body
See the blood flow
Over my flesh
On to the floor
My consciousness begins to slip away
My life ending
I want to die
I want it to end

Valentine's Day – A New Beginning

Well, it's been two years since my last Valentine's Day rant and it's time to do it again. But first, let's recap.

Valentine's Day, 1969 – the day I was ... conceived. Yes, believe it or not, there is a high probability I was conceived on that very holiday back in nineteen hundred and mutual oral sex. This would probably explain my - curiosity over the day..

When I was wee lad in elementary school back in the old country, we exchanged valentines with our classmates every February 14th. This was at a time when you only gave valentines to people you liked. This meant, I didn't receive any. This was before the "give everyone in class a valentine" rule was in place to insure no one felt left out. I didn't care for Valentine's Day.

During my teenage years, I wavered on my opinions of the lover's holiday. If I was dating, I liked it, when I was single, hated it. But that's typical teenage behavior – nothing new here.

When I was twenty-something, I came to realize that Valentine's Day was created by advertisers to sell me stuff and make me feel bad if I didn't buy it. I felt manipulated to buy my significant other candy, flowers, or jewelry on that day. It was during this time I realized I should be giving those presents to her ANYTIME during the year. Tuesday is a good day for flowers. No other reason except it was Tuesday and I was in love.

And then it was 2003. I had been writing all sorts of crap on the web the past several years, but it was this year I decided to rant about Valentine's Day. I waxed historical about the origins of the day (something about Romans, wolves, sheep, and the loss of free will) and I felt romance in the air. I know this is hard to believe, but when I wrote it, I was in love. I believed that romance existed eight days a week and should be celebrated every single day.

Then 2004 rolled in and my situation had changed, my long term relationship was failing. Feeling rejected, I created a list of things to do for Valentine's day (all of which were negative). This list would later become the official Anti-Valentine's Day Checklist of RegisJack.com in 2005. But this year, it was just an indication of my inner and outer turmoil.

It was 2005 when I really went over the edge. Depression was my lover that year. I was purely negative and created Anti-Valentine's Day T-shirts to commemorate my pain. You can still buy these in my store, http://www.cafepress.com/regisjackdotcom/113743.

Then there was 2006, the last time I ranted about Valentine's Day. For a brief moment in time, I posted a contest to win a date with Regis Jack. It was funny, cute (unlike myself) and not serious; but after it was posted, I pulled it from the site. Who was I kidding? I didn't want to be around anyone anymore and I didn't want to admit my long term relationship had failed. Valentine's Day sucked!

This bring us to the present, 2008 (in case you read this in the future, which would be your present, I want to make sure you know what year I was referring to in the past). My long term relationship is long gone and now I'm working through my relationship issues with my girlfriends (notice the plural – yes ladies, I'm a player) and my boyfriends (notice the gender – yes I'm confused).

I've come to embrace a different view on Valentine's Day. I still believe the holiday has become way too commercial and has lost it's original intent (much like Christmas, Easter, and Arbor Day) – I do not just follow the herd to the stores. I also still believe a relationship should be celebrated anytime of the year with flowers, gifts, and warm thoughts. But when 2/14 comes around the corner, I get that feeling to do something special for my "loved" ones. Not the usual Valentine's Day stuff. I do something personal that shows my – feelings (sort of).

I'm still going to sell my Anti-Valentine's Day gear for all you rejected people out there. Don't worry, I haven't turned away from my roots.

That's the way I see it, sorry you had to read it

What Am I Thinking?

Red curtains close as a man with a white shirt, steps from the darkness. He has no head. He moves towards me quickly, not stepping, but floating. He raises his right arm and points to me. He screams at me, “You will be punished!” The rain is warm as it falls on my face. My left foot has been cut off, the blood drips down the side of the boat and on to the desert floor. This airport is noisy, but the soup down the road is better. Darkness follows me everywhere I go and pain is on the dessert menu at mall. Lost in the shops, exposed for what I am, everyone can see me, but no one knows me. The rain is still warm. The bodies have already been cut up; they just need to be removed. Was that the primary buffer panel? 3 Musketeers? Really? Sorry I didn't remember. Hungry. Horny. I hate sex; wish I never had to have it ever again. Sex gives me a false sense of reality. The mouse is fine but the car door is stuck in the elevator. Satin is soft, but the rain is still warm. Kill or be killed – or just plain kill. I hate everyone but everyone loves me. Darkness, love, desire, lust, pain, and death. These are a few of my favorite things. Should I cry, should I care? I breathe in the air only to find a stain on the carpet. I love the rain. I love the pain. I hate the rain. I hate the pain. I love to hate. The bar is open, but the drink are not free. The last supper has started and the main course is me. Oh wait, it's not rain, it's blood.